I came here to spend time away from what I've known my life to be lately, stress and monotony. I came to see my friend Janel, who even through her busy schedule, I'd be able to pick up and just shot the shit per se. I wanted to push reset on the routine of hustle and bustle. I wanted to look down the hill of the grind for once and not be the one clawing up it.
I didn't come to this vast city and its overwhelming everything to find myself, but honestly, I had no fucking clue that I was that lost in the first place. One of the adages that I've come to loathe and still respect "you'll find it when you're no longer looking", it's ringing loud and clear now. We've all heard it whether we were getting our ears filled with advice which we never asked for in the first place, like on our dating/life, or the endless pursuit of happiness
So what is happiness? Happiness is....., wait, I don't have a clue. I thought I was happy, a totally encompassed and fully happy idiot. Well I know now with a confident appreciation that I wasn't that guy. Do I hate myself and my life? Hell no, I have a lot of great things going on and happening in my life. However, I realized I'm a window that needed some windex to clear away the haze. Then I was able to fully see with my eyes.
The moment that I was able to fully see and realize that I had found myself again came rather harshly and brutally. 5:50 am, walking down 34th street with the cold New York wind in my face on my way to my bus "home". I could feel something was happening to me. It was more than just physical, it was emotional, it was suffocating.
Besides the mental reset, I came to this city also on a mission, to score some music sponsorship. Which to speak quickly, I succeeded on that battle front. Unknowingly at the time, that's when the ball of realization started tumbling down the hill. Now, here comes the chase. I was in one of the best cities for opportunity and I wasn't fully seizing it. It was a first date that was going so well and I forgot to bring the condom. That's another story in itself for another time.
Also to clear up the air, true New Yorkers are not assholes. They are far from it. They embrace you with their knowledge and spirit. I found that just being genuine in my questions and conversation granted me access to conversations that I now cherish. Yep, those conversations too, you probably assumed. They kept the ball rolling. The people that I spoke with, I soaked it in just like a sponge. I wasn't just falling in love with the idea of the city, but what it truly was. Boom, another big realization, I was falling in love with something. It was refreshing. I hadn't fallen for anything with true heart in a hot minute. I could feel that Christmas morning excitement that I had when I was 5. I also still believe Santa is real in certain ways, judge me.
It may seem trivial, but the one moment that I think sealed the deal for me was a walk at midnight in Hell's Kitchen. I was walking with one of my friends roommates, Audrey, and their dog, Atlas. The poor pup had been cooped up and was going through some of his own big life changes. His mother had recently moved to LA and his father was beginning law school. Also when I speak parentally, I mean in human terms, don't make this weirder than it has to be. You could sense he needed a release and was just down in the emotional dump. Taking that dog on a short walk became more than a walk, it became symbolic. I had been mentally cooped up, I needed to get out, sniff some damn poles and piss on a few things, claiming them to be mine.
Now I have this horrible habit of prefacing things when I speak, which is on the "fix it" list. But, I need to make this clear. I am in no way saying I'm better than these three when it comes to career aspirations, drive, and talent, because they each are amazing. Not in a literal sense, but somewhat confused, metaphorical sense, I can do what they're doing because these are the people I thrive around. These are the people who make individuals like myself, push and become better at our crafts. It's the friendly competition. Janel and I had a chance to talk about this, and she was and always has been supportive. Getting to spend the time I did with them, I learned how much grind, sweat, yes, blood, and tears it takes to make it in this city. Remember how I said I didn't want to claw up the hill anymore? Well, that completely changed because now I was falling in love with not just an idea, but a lifestyle. I wanted this, I needed this, I am this. All of the pieces were starting to form a clear picture. I could now see out of my windexed window view to the world, my new world had NYC in it and the bitch looked damn good. She wanted me, accepted me, made me feel alive again. Well time to open up that window and jump out into the world
So as my last night in NYC was taking shape, I'm meeting some of Janel, Audrey and Mikes friends. These three were being casted for a reality show, besides the two producers, I got to meet a contortionist, a fellow musician, one of New York's top makeup artists, and so many other creative people. The casting party was a great ending to this vacation. I made sure I had my share of wine, which as always was too much. I got drunk-angry about something that I don't even remember why at the time and decided to call it a night, to fight another day. I know now why I was angry, at least subconsciously. I was jealous of all these great people because I was leaving this amazing place. Damnit, I didn't get to piss on enough things and sniff enough poles.
So back to the brutal realization. I woke up at 5:00am, still drunk, thankfully no longer angry, and confused. All of those emotions and experiences had finally accumulated into something. I had to deal with that something, shit. As I waited for the bus to pull up, I started getting all misty eyed and emotional. Did all that wine have estrogen snuck in? If you're going to roofie me, just ask, I'm probably down. One lady happened to look at me and had a look of concern. She simply smiled and turned away I think out of respect or the horror of possibly dealing with something emotional at 6 in the morning. I boarded bu DD524, grabbed a seat and we were on our way. Boom, the emotional bombs timer had finally expired, blew open the flood gates and a full on cry manifests in front of strangers. The whole crying in front of random strangers was probably one of the most humiliating, yet, humbling moments of my life, especially when the random woman from outside offered me a tissue and some kind words. This woman had no idea who I was, but I felt a connection. I could tell she felt my pain in some awkward, stranger way. It made me realized that this wasn't the end, this was a beginning. I just had to put things on pause for a moment. It was time to claw up that hill again, except this time, I'm ready and nothing is stopping me.
I want to just leave one last thought, lyrics. "You're a mountain that I'd like to climb, not to conquer, but share in the view."
Thank you Janel, Audrey, Mike, New Yorkers, and last but not least, Atlas
